About two years ago, I got off the broom, and came to the Cross. A lot of my Pagan friends did not understand why I made this move. I made this move because I desperately needed Serenity. I cast spells, meditated and even vision quested to find inner peace, but to no avail. I was miserable, angry, irritated but I kept it all inside of me. No one ever really knew how I felt. It is coming up on the anniversary of my marriage and of my kneeling down and giving myself to God.

A lot of people will not understand. I practiced Wicca from the time I was 14 until I was 35. That is a very very long time. I traveled, partied, and made a general ass of myself for that period of time. I met a man along the way, who was everything I wanted, everything I needed…he was sexy, beautiful, awesome…he too was Pagan. But he hadn’t always been so….He was previously Seventh-day Adventist..born and raised. He went down the jagged path when he was in his teen years too..much to his parents dismay.

When I met him, he was married to my friend. They were in an open marriage, but I never touched him then, because as far as I was concerned he was a eunuch. Meaning–he didn’t have any genitalia.. Even though–because he was a naturalist, I saw his bits and bobs all the time….but as far as I was concerned..they didn’t work. I fell in love with his MIND not his junk. I loved him for his thinking, for his loud and obnoxiousness…he was ….awesome.

Years pass–he and my friend split apart, but by then I was happily (or so I perceived) involved with someone else. I did love the person I was with but do to my pansexual nature.. I loved a lot of people for a lot of reasons..

 

Pansexuality (also referred to as omnisexuality or polysexuality)[1] refers to the potential for sexual attractions, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction, towards people of all gender identities and biological sexes.[2][3] Self-identified pansexuals may refer to themselves as gender-blind—that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[4] The Oxford English Dictionary writes that pansexuality “encompasses all kinds of sexuality; not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regards to gender or activity.”[5]

The concept of pansexuality deliberately rejects the gender binary the “notion of two genders and indeed of specific sexual orientations as pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women.Pansexuality can also mean the attraction to a person’s personality, rather than their physical appearance or gender.

Now let it be known..that doesn’t mean I wanna go have sex with people I am attracted to..I just like to be around them, they make me happy..that is all..However..it always gets misconstrued.

Now–as I was saying-years later they split, and he confessed (like a teenaged anime girl no less) that he loved me–or was in love with me..or some semblance of that array anyway.  Up until that point, he had been my “Life Coach” and had helped me navigate life’s choppy waters, and kept me from going headfirst into the drink. I told him I too also had affection for him. We moved in together, living a happy life being good little Pagan children, with out Bast worship. We are cats in spirit after all.  We hung out with out pirate friends when they came to visit us. We were very simpatico. We moved to Oregon, and lived with some of my friend…then things exploded.

We split up for 1 year and 3 months. It felt like hell, to be quite honest…I cried a lot, my boyfriend at the time couldn’t figure out why I was so miserable. I couldn’t honestly tell him, ‘well..i don’t want to be with you, I miss him’ cuz well..I loved both of them. so..yeah..tacky and stuff.

But, eventually we got back together, I moved here to Florida. But before I did, I went to my biological mom’s house and had a moment of clarity. I, was aching in side, and made up my mind that when I got back to Oregon, I was going to make money and go out to Florida once I had enough for a Greyhound ticket. Things happened to where I was listening to music…and I heard a song

 

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=listen+up+brandon+heath&aq=3&oq=listen+up

 

and it just made things come into perspective…i started having tears roll down my face..

Then, he said..”I will still by you a ticket to come here, and whats more, I’ll fly out to meet you–and fly back with you”

I said our secret phrase “Make it so Spock”

and things went into motion, But previous to that conversation I was on the back porch and said out loud,”Okay God, This is the one chance..I am willing to obey and bend to your will, if you just get me out of here!”

 

within 24 hours, I was on a plane, headed toward Florida, with my the person I had missed so badly. Now that is the power of God.

I wish I could say, “And since then I have had no problems..and I have been 100% happy” but, I will not lie to you….it didn’t work like that.

 

Once here, I made a lot of changes in my life:

1. I quit smoking

2. I gave my life to God

3. I became a vegetarian

Once I got here, things started to slowly fall into place, his divorce became final, I started to attend Lakeland SDA church with him, where his father is pastor. We became engaged. My divorce after much turtle peeling, became final…finally. The we got married on December 4, 2010. We had out first married Christmas together. Financially, things sucked, but we had each other. We prayed in the New Year. We moved into a (seriously) fixer-upper house. Then in June I was baptized. I felt like I was vibrating for a week.

I have my moments where I miss all the events, meditations, holidays, rituals, and the like..and, I am not ashamed of my past, it has helped make me what I am today. I am happy. I do love my husband. I may get restless sometimes…but at the end of the day I must confess, I am happy to look into his silvery blue eyes, and see his smile…I am glad he is here. I am glad HE is here as well..I am happy, i am content, i am peaceful….

 

i have a family that loves me, I have a husband who needs and loves me, I have plenty of hugs whenever I need them, I have warmth, affection, people who love me for who I am, not in spite of who I am..People that make me laugh, make me smile….show me love and do not ask for anything in return..my self esteem is slowly coming back. I have been broken and bruised for so many years, I almost forgot what it meant to be loved…and to love myself..that is the most important step..loving myself….

 

so–as you can see, I had many good reasons for my changes….

at least they are good reasons to ME.

 

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.