So..the reality of the matter, si I seek a consistent pace of happiness. I used to say “I am always happy enough to be content..but never content enough to be happy”

 

There is so much irony to that statement.

 

I have searched the world for ways to break through the bleakness that lives within my heart.  I smile on the outisde, but on the inside, I am always about 2 seconds from crying. I love my friends and family. They do their best to soothe me, when they see the darkness coming across my face.

 

There are those that say that I need more faith and my depression will just fade away. Perhaps that is true…but there is a line from a song, sung by an Adventist production called ‘Pillars of our Faith’ the name of the song is “The Language of Caanan”

 

there is a line that goes He said, “And He said, “You must go back to earth again and relate to others what I have revealed to you.” Then an angel bore me gently down to this dark world. Sometimes I think I can stay here no longer; all things of earth look so dreary. I feel very lonely here, for I have seen a better land.”

 

Every time I hear this song..it hurts my heart and makes tears spring to my eyes, because I feel that way–things of earth are so dreary and dark..so painful to hear of babies being killed, or starving….of humans hurting each other..I think sometimes I am too sensitive…

Now, there are those that would say simply,”Well, then, don’t listen to that song”  But you see, I cannot do that.

There are others that would and HAVE said to me, that I am not truly a Christian…I am “too religious”, and that I have an obsession with dressing like a milkmaid….*shakes her head, sighs and closes her eyes* This is simply a painful thing to hear from those who profess to be my friends and understand me.

As much as some of my friends might still wish I was a follower of the Goddess, I simply have to reveal, I never really WAS a follower..my deity that I did my ‘spell work’ to was usually Christ..I know it is odd, but..it was..I used Angels to carry my messages..I used my ‘spell parts’ for my offerings. Now some of my more Christian friends while now probably gasp and say–”Well you weren’t Christian either, we do NOT do that” *tilts her head* now see, that isn’t exactly true either..I have seen many of you..say “God if you’ll JUST do this for me..I’ll do this for you” It is essentially the same thing. YOU are making an offering…or..you’re playing Let’s Make A Deal–God is not a slot machine, nor is he a vending machine.

 

Now I also have friends who are badly JADED cuz of bad bad people in the faith that have treated them like crap. People who have made them believe that all pastors drive BMW’s, and live in multimillion dollar mansions…this isn’t true either..all the pastors I know..do NOT live that way, as a matter of fact I know someone in Santa Barbara who puts 90% of his check into his ministry…..and lives on 10% His name is Pastor Hank.

I just wish I could take all my friends into my arms and protect them from the bad things in this world. But, what good would it do? Would you slap my arms away as I tried to protect you? Would you thank me? would you scoff? Would you see, that I only meant you good will?

 

As I write this stuff–I wonder what you really think of me. I wonder if you think I am a cry baby, or if I am a worry wart..a fake a phony, a fraud.

 

I worry sometimes, that soemone will telephone Jesus and say,”Hey do you know what kind of person Kate REALLY is?” and he will say,”Oh, well, then I will let her go, I don’t want soemone like THAT!”

 

But I also know–God doesn’t work like that..yeah I may mess up, I may have holes in my shoes, I may have teeth that are falling out..but God knows who I am..and he is still working on me…will you let him work on you….

 

Not trying to offend, just letting you know who I am..to dispel any bad or wrong thoughts of me.

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